In an uncharacteristically emotional public display, the state nostalgically reminisced about the early years of its relationship with the anti-immigrant lobby when they passed English only laws and banned undocumented students from in-state tuition.

“I remember when anti-immigrant sentiment was considered ugly.  You should’ve seen the looks I got when I took Russell Pearce to prom. You think he could’ve gotten a date in a place like Wisconsin? {laughs} Hardly! But now ALEC and these other states are just spreading for it left and right and who’s getting left behind? Ar-i-zona, that’s who.”

What seems to have been the highpoint in the relationship between the Nativist Lobby and the state may also have been the seed for its infidelity, the passage of SB 1070, the bill that codified racial profiling and criminalized whole swaths of migratory and working communities. “Anyone watching could see that after Arizona gave FAIR 1070, Tanton started thinking he was a pretty big deal. Like maybe he was too good for the state that’s been loyal to him,” observed long-time friend to both, Center for Immigration Studies. “The Nativist Lobby started spending more time in Washington and clearly had eyes for other states. That’s when Arizona started really getting jealous.”

Interviewers were instructed to turn the cameras off during a segment when the state became inconsolable. “I give all I can and its not enough any more. I mean Jesus, I’m trying to police the schools, turn juveniles over to immigration. I’m targeting the citizenship of babies! Babies! That makes even me sick. And you know what he says? ‘yeah, well South Carolina’s doing that too.’ Like he forgot I’m the epicenter of all of this, like I don’t have more in me!”

The state ended the interview on a self-affirming note and like many spurned lovers, saved its venom for the objects of the Nativist Lobby’s new affection instead of for the lobby itself.

“Sure those states will give FAIR new laws, but do they have armed vigilantes in their deserts? I didn’t think so. Can’t get that from some tramp state like Virginia. That’s Arizona from the heart right there…” And almost inaudibly, the state concluded, “hussies.”

Originally published at