Following the press conference of Arizona state legislator Russell Pearce in which he offered his amendment to the constitution to deny citizen ship to “anchor babies” or rather the first generation citizens born in the US, the Nautical Association of Sea Captains held their own press conference to refute Pearce’s claims.

“Arrr see tha ting is. Turns out the little ones float.” explained the association’s representative.  “The thing Pearce doesn’t realize is ya can’t anchor anything to a baby. Tie one to the QE2 at full steam. You tell me which won’t be budging.”

The captain is an unlikely ally and added voice to the usual human rights advocates denouncing the bill.  Pablo Alvarado of the National Day Laborer Organizing Network added, “[Pearce] is moving forward in yet another initiative that is sure to embroil Arizona in even more lawsuits and further make its name synonymous with the modern day McCarthys and Bull Connors.”

Shipbaby The captain continued, “I don’t know about the constitution but I do know at least one set of laws we DO obey and that’s the laws of physics. Being from a desert climate I wouldn’t much expect him to understand the ways of the ocean.”

“Now if people are looking to anchor themselves somehow, I would suggest wrought iron, galvanized steel, or the like. Now that stuff will keep someone in place.”

Advocates responded well to the Association’s announcement, Alvarado concluded, “the Nautical Association’s clarification that babies do not make good anchors shows what we all have known, this is one is a series of wrong-headed policies built upon a faulty logic.

The joining of the Sea Captains into our coalition shows growing opposition to hateful laws like those proposed by Russell Pearce.  We will continue to fight, and we will certainly accept their rudders as we work together to turn the tide.” -Satire.


Originally published October, 2010.


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